Thursday, June 27, 2013

The World's Too Big

Before you read any further, watch the first 40 seconds of the video. Listen to the conversation that occurs between Clark and his mom. That's what I want to talk about.

The world's too big, Mom. 
Then make it small.

Do you ever feel like that? Like the world is just too big and you can't do anything about it? You don't know how to make it small or every attempt to do so ends poorly? Maybe not. I do. Almost every day as of late. It's kind of scary, to be honest.

I feel like the world is too big, like I am losing control over everything that I once had in control. Clark experiences this in a way a child with autism may experience sensory overload. Everything just comes at him all at once and he can't do it. For me, while it's not a audio-visual sensory overload, I feel a sense of emotional and psychological overload. There are too many things flying at me at the same time and I can't handle them all; I can't dodge them all. I can't control everything, and that scares me.

I end up freaking out as a result, going crazy wondering why the world is so big. I can't just do one thing, but I can't do everything. I don't know how to make the world small because I've spent countless amounts of time trying to process and take in everything.

I can't think again. Not ever again. I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning...It's getting that bad again. 
-- Charlie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, pg. 94.

That's pretty much how it feels when the world is too big. That's kind of how it feels right now.